No User-Serviceable Parts Inside

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 01/05/2016 at 16:12 • Filed to: vending machines, astro van, mileage allowance, get reimbursed or die trying

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When I was a kid, just fresh out of school, I got a job at a local vending machine company. My job was to track down the non-compliant vending machines and retire them. I liked to call myself the Blade Runner, but my boss later told me that there was a corporate policy against giving yourself a bad-ass science fiction nickname.

Back then, things were rougher. The budgets were low; margins were down because of currency fluctuations or whatever. The result is, I didn’t have a partner. I hear you, modern vending machine mechanics - you’re in shock. How could anyone be so callous with their own life? Well, that’s just how it was done back then. Sit down and listen.

I was called out to an old military barracks that was now in peacetime an extremely low rent office complex. Slimy ambulance-chasing law firms, fly-by-night academic publishing scams and artisanal telemarketing operations were all under these roofs. But they had nothing to do with me. My job was to fix the facility operator’s harem of priceless Pepsi machines and secure that sweet, sweet margin for him evermore.

My first target was simple - a 1983 “Classic” Vendomatic. These babies would never lie to you. Straightforward, upright, and only occasionally containing an entire intact beehive, these machines were the bread and butter of my operations. Simple job. The coin mechanism’s slug rejector had gotten dirty, its counterweights seized against their throw. I was out of there so fast the machine’s door was still swinging closed as I left the room.

The rest of the day pretty much went as expected. I was beginning to get bored with the simple tasks held here; they were basic maintenance that anyone could do, rather than call in the specialized services of a tier-one operator such as myself. I checked my notebook again, and only one machine stayed outstanding.

I arrived in a dark, dead-ended hallway, the only illumination coming from the vending machine at the end. Maybe it was my imagination, but I could feel the walls and ceiling closing in as I walked slowly to the end of the hallway and met the machine’s glance. It was one of those pseudosentient military machines, built back during the last Great War to anticipate dietary needs and adapt the mixture of soft drinks in real time to keep soldiers healthy.

Removing the front cover of the vending machine, I saw the “last serviced” sticker. It was George May, a legend in the vending machine repair business and my mentor. He had gone missing a decade previous, about the same time this sticker was placed. Could this have been the last machine he worked on? I shook the thought out of my head as I continued my meticulous failure analysis. Machines like this took a lot more study; their processing cores were so sophisticated and their mechanicals so hardened it was difficult to work a simple job on them. Trainees who leapt before they looked frequently ended up with brutal refrigerant burns, or long-term hallucinations from inadvertently scraping up against the battlefield-amphetamine injectors.

At long last, the cause of the symptoms presented themselves. Of course, it had to be the positronic motivator matrix. I reached out to touch it, and heard the voice of George May, clear as day, echoing down the hall. No. Had he done it?

I cleaned the contacts and powered the machine back up. Sure enough, it responded in the voice of George May.

I want to tell you that I did something to rescue my trapped mentor. I want to tell you that I figured out who was occupying his human body after that fateful service call. I want to tell you that I did anything other than get back in my Astro panel van, drive all the way home and weep openly in the tub.

If you find this note, please remember: I made sure to submit my invoice and get reimbursed.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Seat Safety Switch 01/05/2016 at 16:16

4

I see “No user serviceable parts inside” as a challenge.

And also a "Welp, there goes my warranty" prediction.

Seat Safety Switch > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 01/05/2016 at 16:16

3

I’m not a user so much as an ab user.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Seat Safety Switch 01/05/2016 at 16:22

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My abs don't get used near enough.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 01/05/2016 at 16:32

0

See. Vending machines are deadly.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Seat Safety Switch 01/05/2016 at 16:39

3

interestingly enough, when i was a freshman in college one of my buddies had had a summer job as a vending machine tech for the company that serviced all the machines on campus. One night he gathered his most trusted friends together and went around with a pin-drill bit and a cordless drill and drilled a hole in the casing of every machine he was familiar enough with to do so right above/next to/over/under the credit button and showed us what size and length of bent wire to use to actuate it. The holes were as small as possible and placed as secretly as possible, some were filled with blu-tac to prevent light leaks from giving away thier presence...

I eventually quit that abysmal pit of a college in Central Pennsylvania with a 1.4 GPA, moved back to Vermont and finished my degree at a state school, but while I was there I never paid for a soda or snack from a vending machine on campus.

The Compromiser > Seat Safety Switch 01/05/2016 at 17:47

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Well done! And the twist at the end? Genius.

Prophet of hoon > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 14:17

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I used to work for a company with a contour bottle and got the privilege of seeing what happens to a thief who rocks the machine. The priceless moment of all of it - his co-workers saying “he only rocked the machine when he didn’t have any money.” Anyone wants to know what his life was worth? easy, it was a can-vending machine that sold product for 35 cents per can. That was what his life was worth.

Of course, there is that little, troubling bit about the big foot print on the middle of the back of the machine. Someone helped this guy rock the machine (he was found with his neck between the edge of the machine and the wall and his foot in the dispense slot), then jumped on the machine as he made good his escape. I’d like to think he was the next one we found, squished.

Seat Safety Switch > Prophet of hoon 05/09/2016 at 14:23

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I think the best part of doing these posts is when people who have actually lived the experiences I fictionalize tell me about their real-life experiences.

“Well this sounds horrible and all, but let me tell you about the time my coworker got his arm mangled in a Coke bottle catcher.”

Prophet of hoon > Seat Safety Switch 05/09/2016 at 16:41

2

Humans are pretty good at exceeding expectations on stuff like this. I’m an attorney and a line that is well used in initial consultations is “well, I never even dreamed what you did was possible, yet you did it... I’m impressed.”

LongLarry > Seat Safety Switch 05/10/2016 at 14:24

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When I was a teen I had a friend that worked at a small gas station (gas was hard to come by because the dinos had not died out yet but Coke was a dime). Somehow he discovered tht if you pulled the machine away from the wall and leaned it back just the right angle you could get a coke with just a penny. He put marker on the floor for just the right distance. This naturally pissed off the soda company so they removed the machine and replaced it with a different machine. The new one was like an ice chest, it opened at the top and you had access to all the bottle tops in rows. You put your dime in and then lifter the bottle of your choice, slide it along to the exit & then the mechanism would release it.it took him 5 minutes to realize with a bottle opener That one got him fired.and a long plastic tube he could have all the free soda he wanted. That one got him fired!